my angel in heaven

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#WeAreAllMums – Raising awareness! 

Published March 17, 2017 by Bizzimummy

Mother’s Day is just over a week away, whilst this brings joy and presents to many mums across the country; I and many others share mixed emotions about the day. 

Research estimates that one in six pregnancies will end in miscarriage. This alone is a very high number when you consider how many pregnancies there are. To add further sadness – approximately eleven babies are stillborn every day in the UK and there are also 60,000 premature births in the UK each year.

Tommy’s is a charity that finds research into baby loss and pregnancy problems. They are running a campaign to raise awareness that even if a baby is born sleeping or miscarried or born to soon, you are still a mum.


Many people who have been reading my blog for a while will be aware of my story, but for those who don’t here it is – 



  My Story

(Warning – contains images that may be upsetting) 

I already had two healthy children but after meeting my (now ex) partner in 2009, I became pregnant late 2010. The pregnancy was not planned but we were both happy. I found out fairly early on, around 5/6 weeks.   

A few weeks after finding out I noticed some blood in my pants, of course I panicked and straight to the hospital. Like many women so early on, I got told to go home and take it easy as there is nothing a hospital can do so early on. Luckily the blood stopped within a day or two and panic over; or so I thought. 

My 12 week scan went okay, however days later I got a call to come in. My first thoughts were Down’s syndrome but no, I was very low risk. The risk was something else. They mentioned spina bifida and mentioned the baby having heart in the wrong place but another urgent scan ruled everything out so they put it down to a false reading.

At about 14 weeks the bleeding returned and much heavier than last time but no pain. I was sure I had lost the baby but a hospital scan showed a baby alive and kicking. The doctors mentioned possible early twin loss but seemed baffled.

I had on/off spotting for the next 6 weeks and then came my 20 week scan. Again the scan was fine and I was told my baby was a girl. They did not know why I kept bleeding. I had the scan on a Monday.

Four days later on the Friday I was sat watching television and just over 21 weeks. I felt a sharp pain in my stomach and what felt like a gush of blood. I ran to the toilet but no blood, it was clear. Yes this was amniotic fluid at 21 weeks. In other words my waters had broke.

I was in tears on the way to the hospital and a scan showed very little amniotic fluid around the baby. The nurses apologised sympathetically and a doctor told me I could “abort my feutus” which I thought was an extremely awful comment. This was not a fetus, she was my baby and no way was I voluntarily killing her. I was sent home to rest with antibiotics and constant monitoring. 

The next 2 weeks consisted of bed rest and lots of bleeding and mild labour oain. It was awful not knowing and searching the internet for help or a Miracle prem baby story and praying mine would be too. Sadly this was not to be. 

On the 4th April 2011 the bleeding and pain got incredibly worse. Hospital rushed me to a labour ward with a huge team of medical people on stand by. My 2 children had been C sections but there was no time and with her being so small it was easier to push. 

Keira arrived at 3.30am weighing just 1lb 2oz she was tiny with reddish skin and a wisp of blonde hair. Her eyes were still fused shut as she was too young to open them but apart from that she was perfect in every way.

The lack of amniotic fluid along with her prematurity meant her tiny lungs were too underdeveloped. At one point it looked like she was improving but ten hours later she suffered a bleed and passed in my arms. It is the worst thing any parent should have to go through. I cannot explain the devastation it leaves when you lose a child. 

Of course I held her, washed her, cuddled her in the hours after she passed. If I’m being honest a lot of it is a blur as my head was all over the place. Walking out of that hospital without her was something that words can describe – heartbreaking, brutal, empty, I felt totally lost. I cried for weeks, often alone as I thought everyone else had moved on and somehow forgot. I wasn’t just upset, I was angry that I couldn’t save her somehow and angry that the world and people kept going yet my world had stopped. I think it’s all part of the normal grieving process. 

Despite tests I never got a reason why Keira came early. No abnormalities, no chromosome faults.

There’s not a day goes by where she isn’t in my thoughts. This April Keira would be six and instead of a kids party, I visit the cemetery which no parent should ever have to do. I still cry, I still get upset and even blame myself but I can now (sometimes) talk about her to other people and tell them that I don’t just have three children – I actually had five. 

And yes that’s correct I have five. After Keira died I became pregnant again very very quick. Unfortunately at the 20 week scan, no heartbeat was detected. I had to yet again go through another labour this time knowing the baby would not be alive. I was told my baby was about 17 weeks when he/she died. They told me they could not tell if the baby was male or female but I always thought I was carrying a boy. My poor baby had a condition called a cystic hygroma and this was totally unrelated to Keira’s death just 6 months previous. The consultant called it “unfortunate bad luck” and told me there was no reason not to try again . No bad chromosomes from any of us etc. 

In March 2012 after a missed period, yes the test said pregnant again. I panicked so much all the way through. I stood in the hospital literally screaming at the staff to give me extra scans and extra checks which they eventually agreed to. Apparently you have to lose 3 in a row before they normally do this which is a joke. 

On October 5th 2012, 2 weeks early my little girl Izebella was born and she’s now four. It’s a shame she will neve meet the other babies but she does know about them. Many people refer to babies born after loss as “rainbow babies” and Izebella certainly is my bright shining rainbow.

I feel blessed to have three children alive and well but I am still a mum to the two that didn’t make it too. 

Everyone who has been pregnant is still a mum, whether you have had a normal pregnancy, a perm birh. a rainbow baby, or an angel baby in heaven.


#WeareAllMums

https://www.tommys.org/

My daughter in NICU


5 years on

Published April 4, 2016 by Bizzimummy

Today should be a happy day. I should be opening presents with my 5 year old daughter, blowing up balloons maybe and blowing out candles. 

Sadly I will never get that chance as my little girl died just 10 hours after she arrived.

Keira was born at 23 weeks and 1 day. Today all I can do is visit her grave. 

I often think of what she would look like now and how she would be enjoying special days. It does not get easier and I really wish she was here. 

 

The most precious piece of jewellery

Published November 30, 2015 by Bizzimummy

Several weeks ago I was contacted by Amy at Amy ring jewellery. Amy creates beautiful previous pendants using children’s hand or footprints and can also create paw prints too from much loved pets. 

To create the pendants, Amy will send out an inkless kit which is mess free and looked pretty straightforward to use. This is then sent back to her and the jewellery is made within a few days providing the prints are useable. 

Now I could of taken hand or footprints from any of my children but my mind was totally set on asking Amy a really special favour. For those of you who follow this blog regularly, you may have seen posts of my other child – a little girl named Keira. She sadly came far too soon and only lived a short ten hours. When she died the hospital took hand and footprints for us to keep and my idea was using the prints I already had to turn into a pendant. 

I scanned Keiras prints and emailed them to Amy. I was so happy when she said she could use them.

The Silver pendants come in various shapes and I really wanted the heart one. Both hand and footprints can be placed together on one or either side of the pendants and names and dates. can also be put on. 

And here it is. My beautiful silver pendant with my tiny princesses hand and footprint plus her name and birth/death date. 

   
The pendants come with a loop clasp and ready to place on a necklace or bracelet.

It made me quite emotional when I saw it, but in a good way that I now have something of my daughter that I can proudly wear and have close to me. Everyone who has seen it also says it’s beautiful and I’ve even been asked by others how they go about getting one made. 

For a pendant such as this with prints and names, it costs around £50. As each pendant is made to order and uniquely personalised, the prices will vary. 

I would like to say a big thank you to Amy for making and sending me something so beautiful. This pendant really means so much to me and it’s such a nice thing to receive right before Christmas too. 

  

Remembering Keira 4 years on

Published April 4, 2015 by Bizzimummy

Today, whilst most families look forward to Easter and maybe enjoy a day out, I instead visit the cemetery on what should be my little girls 4th birthday.

Instead of balloons and presents I instead take flowers and other bits to her tiny grave as that’s all that is left. 

Keira came on the 4th April 2011. She was born premature at just over 23 weeks. Despite the doctors saying she wouldn’t last an hour, she lived for 10.

There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t miss her.

Happy birthday my sweet little angel in heaven! 

   

Christmas Eve

Published December 24, 2014 by Bizzimummy

Reindeer dust made and sprinkled.
Advent calendars placed in the magic hamper and wishes made. The calendars magically disappear and presents appear by magic.

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The elves bought slippers, PJs, chocs and even books too and now it’s time for 2 little girls to sleep and big brother soon too.

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Santa will soon be here we have been tracking him all day. Little faces will be so happy in the morning when they see their many presents.

Christmas brings joy and family time but on this night there is one person who won’t be here with me. One little girl who will never spend Christmas with us. Her name is Keira and she came and left this world on April 4th 2011. She only spent 10 hours with me and I guess she was just too good for this Earth. So I’m sending up lots of spiritual hugs and Christmas love to my baby girl who sadly cannot be with us at this special time.

Love you Keira R.I.P

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In memory of my daughter Keira

Published April 4, 2014 by Bizzimummy

3 years ago today
You came to this world
But you were too special
And the angels took you back
You came too soon
You were not ready yet
In my arms I held you
While you took your final breath
Ten hours you fought
I wanted you to fight
But you were too special for this world
So I had to say goodnight
I named you Keira
A special little girl
Who will always mean the world
To me x

Today I should be throwing a party for a 3 year old. Instead it will be making a trip to a cemetery to visit my darling daughters grave. Only I know she isn’t there. I feel her with me every day in spirit right by my side.
I can and will never accept that she is gone but the world carries on spinning and moving and I have to carry on and move with it.
I am grateful for what I have. 3 very special children who are my world. However in my mind remains the questions. Why?? What if?? Maybe if I had just!! Questions that I can’t answer.
Keira came at 23 weeks and 2 days after PPROM or premature rupture of the membranes at 21 weeks.
I wish I could turn back time and change things and have her here with us.
I love and miss her so much. I only spent ten hours with her but those ten hours will be remembered forever. This is my daughter. I don’t have many photos of her alive but want to share this so she is never forgotten.

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To find out more about my baby girls story. You can read Keira’s post

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Missing my Angel

Published October 20, 2013 by Bizzimummy

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I have been thinking about Keira a lot recently. If you don’t know her story already then you can read it here. Keira is my little girl who sadly came at just 23 weeks and lived for ten hours. She was born on the 4th April 2011. I was devastated but slowly learning to live with what happened. Although I now have Izebella plus Ryan and Jordanna, nothing will ever make up for her loss.
Many people who lose a child will say that they were grateful for the time with them. Sadly I don’t feel that way. I feel angry and bitter that I never got a chance to meet her properly. I got to see her in neonatal and held her as she took her tiny last breaths but I never got to know her nor cuddle her properly nor dress her or give her a bath. Those ten hours were spent in an incubator and she never got to see the world outside. Some may say I should be grateful for those tiny yeh hours but I can’t be as I feel robbed of a lifetime with my daughter.
Keira would have been two and a half years by now and I often imagine how she would be and what she would look like.
Many people say stupid things like “if Keira had lived then Izebella wouldn’t be here” which almost makes me feel like they think I don’t love Izebella as much but they are wrong. Izebella is my gorgeous miracle. Even if Keira had made it, it’s highly likely I’d have both Izebella and Keira as Izebellas pregnancy wasn’t planned.
Many people don’t know this but after I lost Keira in April 2011 I became pregnant again very soon after. This pregnancy seemed to be going well until the dreaded 20 week scan which showed this baby had no heartbeat. 3 days later I had to be induced and deliver the poor baby. The baby which I sadly never named had a Cystic Hygroma and is likely to have passed at 17 weeks. They could not tell the babies sex but I believe it was a boy. This happened end of September 2011. Therefore two huge losses in one year.
I was so scared during Izebellas pregnancy but luckily my gorgeous miracle baby made it and I love her so much along with Ryan and Jordanna.
As Christmas is approaching it makes me think about my other babies who should be here but sadly aren’t and never will be. I hope they are happy as angels.

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Keira

Published April 4, 2013 by Bizzimummy

Today should of been my little girls 2nd birthday . Unfortunately she died aged just ten hours . Here’s her story x

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In November 2010 I discovered I was pregnant it came as a surprise as I’d just had my implant taken out a few weeks before and wasn’t planning it but I was also happy .
However the pregnancy had problems from early on . At 6 weeks I had some light bleeding . I panicked and went to hospital where I was given an early internal scan which showed a very small blob with a heartbeat . A few weeks later more light bleeding but the hospital had told me it could happen so I didn’t worry too much
At ten weeks I had a huge bleed (end of December 2010) with clots but no pain I was sure I’d had a miscarriage but again a scan showed all was fine and the hospital could find no reason for the bleeding
12 week scan went ok showed an active baby
At around14 weeks I had the blood test which tests for downs syndrome and other conditions , days later I got a phone call to go in. I was told something had come back slightly high which could indicate spinal or stomach problems , I had another scan but nothing was detected
I had a few more instances of bleeding some light some heavier but never any pain . The bleeding seemed to stop at around 17/18 weeks and everything then seemed ok , baby was moving fine etc
How wrong could I have been
I had my 20 week scan which showed a healthy girl no problems whatsoever . This was done on a Monday in march 2011
Four days later on the Friday morning I felt a trickle and rushed to toilet thinkin I was bleeding again , but I wasnt . I was leaking amniotic fluid my waters had broke at almost 21 weeks pregnant
This awful condition is known as PPROM it’s rare and horrendous and there is very little that can be done once it happens
I was scanned and the scan showed little fluid around my baby . I knew by the look on the scanners face it was serious but I didn’t realise how bad . I looked it up in the Internet and stories of how miracle babies were born as early as 22 weeks, I hoped and prayed mine would be one of them
The bleeding started again quite heavy at times , I was regally monitored by hospital – blood tests , heart beat etc
I hoped she would just hang on until 27/28 weeks where I knew she would have a much better chance
Two weeks after my waters broke on April 4th 2011 at just 23 weeks and 2 days pregnant I went into labour . The labour didn’t last too long and I gave birth to a tiny little girl weighing just 500gms . I named her Keira , she was placed in the neo natal unit on every type of device they had ,
Doctors told me from the start there wasn’t much hope and asked us to turn machines off . I said no I still hoped she would be one of those tiny miracles you hear about and in a way she was
She lived ten hours before losing her fight and for a baby so young and that had been without vital fluid for more than two weeks that was a long fight .

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We were all devastated by her death we cried for weeks
We arranged her funeral for ten days later a tiny white coffin and lots of flowers . So many people came more than expected

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I hope we gave her the best send off we could .
I still and always will think if her , miss her and wish she was here , we have just managed to get her headstone up so now we have something to look at with her name on

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She would of been two years old today and I should be giving her presents but I can’t so instead I thought I’d publish her story on my blog – miss you so much my darling baby angel

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R.I.P sleep well princess , love you always from mummy xxx

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Welcome to the Fox's den. Musings by Carmen Fox.

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Australian criminals and their Crimes. Con artists, scum bags, murderers, corrupt cops, pollies, rapists and paedophiles will find themselves in this blog. It was expanded to also cover those that ought to be charged for their idiotic disgusting behaviour. Usually high-profile people who think they are above the law

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